this is part of my third chapter of my story. its a retelling of the fairy tale, The Raven. i think its good, but thats me, and in writing it, so i want it to be good. tell me what you think.
I awoke to darkness. I knew it was day because of the birds, but all was dark. I tried to raise my wings up to feel out the reason of darkness, but they would not move; they were tied together. I heard a whinny off in the distance, and then I heard feet approaching. Rough voices accompanied those feet, and rough hands as well.
Those rough hands untied the blackness, which I had correctly assumed was a piece of black cloth. Once my eyes adjusted to the bright morning light, I discovered that rough faces went with the rough voices and rough hands and feet.
The man that untied me and his friends were obviously some form of robber. The man that had untied my blindfold had scraggly beard, his friend that was messing with Adhili had a puggish face, and the third one that was just
milling around looked lost.
Scraggle Beard looked away from me and said something to his mates in their own language. They looked like the Sea Folk from down south. Their language sounded relatively like the Sea Folk’s too, all harsh and guttural. I had learned some of their language when I was younger, because we went down there sometimes when I was little. But that was when I was seven or eight, so I had forgotten most of it by now. I only caught occasional words, such as good, have we, just wait, and a few others. I couldn’t make anything of it.
Scraggle Beard and Pug Face seemed to be having a major disagreement, and Scraggle Beard looked as if he was going to haul off and hit Pug Face any moment. I caught words like idiot, you shouldn’t, and don’t from Scraggle Beard, and then after Pug Face had an outburst, Scraggle Beard really did haul off and hit him. He hit him so hard that he made Pug Face fall backwards on to the forest floor. Pug face lay there for awhile, holding
his face where he got hit. All the time Pug Face and Scraggle Beard were fighting, was just standing there, seemingly staring out into space. I wondered what his purpose was, to stare off into space and tell them what he saw? looked vaguely familiar. I couldn’t place him though, which is always annoying.
Scraggle Beard talked harshly to Pug Face in there own language again, and it sounded kind of like a harsher form of get up, you idiot. I couldn’t tell for sure, but it was along those same lines, because Pug Face reluctantly got up and then he slinked over to where the remnants of the campfire were.
Scraggle Beard tthen came over to me. He started speaking to me in his language, then I think he saw my confused expression, and switched to Serín, which is my tounge.
‘…I wonder why there’s a magic raven a a talking horse traveling together?’ he was saying. The others were apparently supposed to laugh, or agree or something, because he shot them each a look, and it looked like a do-as-I-say-or-else kind of look. It made me shudder.
‘What are we going to do with them boys?’ Scraggle Beard looked down at me, and his expression frightened me. He was smiling down at me, but it was a crooked, evil smile.
at 2 parts in the story, the sentences are missing a word, because i cant think of the guys name.
I really liked it and would definitely like to hear more. =)
July 31st, 2009 at 2:06 am
best story ever hope you become really famous one day
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July 31st, 2009 at 2:11 am
Excelent exert 2 thumbs up
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July 31st, 2009 at 2:37 am
i think that it is great i would like to read the rest if possible….. your going to get far in life with stories like that!
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July 31st, 2009 at 2:48 am
I got a little bored, but I have to say, great detail.
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July 31st, 2009 at 3:12 am
I really liked it and would definitely like to hear more. =)
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July 31st, 2009 at 3:48 am
it was great so many details but i kinda got bored try to spice it up a lil bit make it exciting and thrilling make me wanna read more and more make it suspensful but other then that i loooved it!!
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my brain…….????……
July 31st, 2009 at 3:59 am
It is pretty good I think that it was cool. The story was well written and had good form. I liked it a lot. I was interesting as well.
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July 31st, 2009 at 4:32 am
Excellent read so far. Follow the prior listed suggestions. Look forward to reading your books ! What is the name(or how you would call it) of the story give us the details . Definitely would like to know.Great job so far!
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July 31st, 2009 at 5:08 am
I like it very much ,it’s a good adventure book keep up the good work!
What about Hounds tooth for your other character’s name!
Let us know what you choose !
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